Allyship is a verb…
“Allyship is a verb; an on-going practice, that should be described based on our continual actions.”
- Feminuity.org
It is popular to claim allyship these days…but the simple act of calling oneself an ally does not make it so. Actions – regularly practiced, consistently and with the intent of forward movement and positive impact is necessary.
I was invited to participate in what I will call an ‘experiment’ that went as wrong for me as my gut told me it would…I think it must have been hope that made me go against my intuition on this one, because the experiment was meant to be an avenue for likeminded women to come together – working toward the common goal of advancing women’s issues in the workplace - with a specific focus on Black women. I mean, how could I NOT give this my time? I will refer to the person who invited me as ‘the inviter’ (a white woman – it’s important to note).
I should have bowed out after the first few meetings, when it still was unclear what the action would be for the time all of us were giving to this experiment. But I stuck with it…
The unraveling started with the sense of uneasiness I was feeling but ignored. It was solidified during a meeting of over 40 people, most of them strangers, where I was ‘called out’ and caught off guard by the inviter telling the group they would like to hear my opinion on how I thought the experiment was going but not without also inserting that they were ‘afraid to hear what I might say’. Excuse me…afraid of what? Regardless, because even when I am caught off guard, I AM READY, I concisely and firmly stated my thoughts on the situation. Many chimed in and thanked me for my vulnerability and honesty in the moment. The inviter scheduled time for a one on one with me to continue the discussion – again, my gut told me to disengage and leave things where they were, however unresolved. It didn’t feel ‘safe’ for me. But I obliged. During the conversation, I explained to the inviter that announcing your ‘fear’ of what a Black woman has to say on a call with a bunch of strangers (many ‘allies’) not only perpetuates stereotypes but has the potential to insert prejudice in the minds of these strangers. Because the inviter had also noted that I was ‘angry’ and ‘mad’ - I addressed that as well. All the while, this person is not listening, centering themselves in everything and then claimed they were being ‘villainized’ - exact word used. That was it. My gut said “fuck what your brain says, Shavonne and trust me – run for the hills”. Lord – this was the most blatant case of attempted gaslighting that has ever happened to me. Ever. A person who claims to be an ally – buckling when confronted on their bias – and reverting to crying victim.
What I didn’t know at the time was that many people who were on that call, who also call themselves ally, reached out to the inviter to comfort them and tell them how brave they were. Huh?? Brave where? This is the very type of behavior - that of the inviter as well as all the folks who co-signed the inviters behavior – that performative allyship is made of. And I will have no parts of it. I immediately disengaged from the experiment – wishing to wipe my name from any trace of having been involved.
This is not the first time and won’t be the last – and I’m only surprised because I had actual expectations of the inviter – expectations that they would act on their words. Lesson learned. It makes me know that this type of thing is part of the reason I’M SO TIRED! It also makes me know this:
I do not have any obligation to stay in any situation – personal or professional – where I do not feel safe or respected
I do not have any obligation to stay connected to any person who attempts to gaslight me
I do not have any obligation to give my time to anyone or anything that does not serve me
I do not need to soften myself, my words or my feelings to make anyone else feel comfort if it is at the expense of my own comfort
And neither do you…
